Want To Improve Your Communication Skills? Start With Your Relationships

#communication #improvecommunication #interaction #relationship Dec 16, 2022

You know the expression “charity begins at home”? Well, I’m a firm believer that the same thing applies in communication, specifically within romantic partnerships. The people we date often act as our mirrors, showing us parts of ourselves that we wouldn’t be able to see otherwise. Relationships give us key insights into areas of our communication where we’re excelling, and areas that could use some work.

I’ve always been fascinated by relationship dynamics. Specifically the question of, why do some marriages last while others don't? And, what are some of the qualities and practices that go into fostering a successful, happy marriage that stands the test of time?

The truth is, so much can be learned about communication through our relationships. In this blog post, we’ll dive into some of the tools spoken about by leading relationship experts that can help foster life-long romantic partnerships, and how the same principles can be applied to our communication skills as a whole.

The Art of Turning Toward

What does it mean to turn toward? In the context of romantic relationships, turning toward means responding positively to ‘bids for connection’ (1) – things that we do to indicate a need/want for attention or connection from our partners. This can look like:

Giving your partner eye contact when they ask a question
Returning a hug
Offering extra support when they’ve had a long day at work

These are just a few of many examples. Ultimately, it’s one person in the relationship attempting to make a connection with the other person. Relationship experts have found that the couples who stayed together the longest turned toward more often than not – meaning they responded positively to their partner's bid for connection rather than staying in a disconnected state or responding negatively to a bid.

When it comes to turning toward within communication, we can look at this principle both literally and figuratively. Physically positioning your body towards the audience is a powerful presentation technique, and one that I highly recommend. When it’s done strategically, stepping towards the audience during an important part of your speech will help drive your point home (2).

When it comes to emotionally turning towards your audience (or a friend or colleague), this can look like you being more open within your conversation or delivery. People can tell when a person is being closed off or not acting like themselves, and successful communication requires vulnerability and openness. Vulnerability is the thing that helps us feel connected to those around us, whether it’s with a romantic partner, a colleague or an audience of a thousand people. Check out Brene Brown’s Ted Talk on vulnerability if you’re looking for more on this topic.

Positive vs. Negative Interactions

Relationship experts have deemed that the standard ratio in healthy romantic partnerships is one negative interaction for every 5 positive interactions (3). This can vary based on the couple, the circumstances, and overall, it may fluctuate over the course of a relationship. However, we can use it as a starting point when looking at our romantic relationships and other relationships in our lives. Feel free to evaluate this in your own life – are you experiencing a healthy amount of positive interactions compared to negative ones?

Now let’s look at this in the context of communication with others. If we understand that negative interactions are part of life, we can use this 5:1 ratio as a guideline. If we find we’re having more negative than positive interactions throughout our day – how can we improve that? It might be that we need to be more open, develop our listening skills and actively apply them, focus our attention on the other person, etc.

A huge mindset shift that changed my own communication is the phrase, it’s not about you. We actually wrote an entire blog post dedicated to that topic that you can check out here. If you ever find that your positive to negative interaction ratio is skewed, focus your energy on the other person and see what happens.

Collaborating on Solutions

Next, let’s talk about collaboration within romantic relationships. You’re probably aware that in any healthy relationship, it’s important for the couple to fight together (against the problem) vs. at each other. One way to do this is to avoid ‘you should’ statements, and focus on understanding where the other person is coming from rather than placing blame.

Here at Connect To The Core, we call words like ‘should’ weasel words, because they allow people to weasel out of commitments. Telling someone they should do something makes them less likely to do it, and the same thing happens when you’re speaking to yourself. Think about how this sounds:

“I should workout today”

“I get to workout today”

Notice the difference in intention? To learn more alternatives for the word ‘should’ and some other weasel words to avoid, be sure to download our complimentary weasel word guide here. Not only are weak words and placing blame a negative in relationships, they can also be detrimental to your communication.

The Power of 10-Minute Check-Ins

Relationship experts have discovered that quick check-ins throughout the day or week will take couples far. This is another example of ‘turning toward’ and being more open within relationships. A ten-minute check-in can be powerful in romantic relationships and can also be applied to any other relationship – whether it’s with a colleague, family member or yourself.

During this check-in, you can ask “Is there anything you need from me today?” (1). This question gets right to the heart of how someone can show up for you. It’s also a great reflection point for both parties because it sets a clear expectation and can help you feel more connected.

I like to use this with my partner and also with my team members. As a business owner, it’s important for me to know what my team members need support with each week so they can do their best work. With my partner, this helps me know how I can best support him in whatever he’s dealing with (and vice versa).

This 10-minute check-in has been a game changer for communication in all of my relationships, including the one with myself. By reflecting on the question, how can I show up for myself today? – it puts my well-being at the forefront, which keeps me at the top of my communication-game.

Perseverance Is Key

When all else fails, don’t give up. You won’t always be on the same page in terms of your emotional availability to your partner or other relationships, and that’s okay. What’s more important is how you handle the situation when that happens.

Let’s say you’re busy writing an important email and your partner makes a bid for connection. They’re inviting you to watch a funny video that they just saw on social media. Rather than ignoring them, you can explain why you can’t watch the video right away and that you’ll watch it once you’re done with your task (this works with kids too).

On the flip side of this, what if you make a bid and your partner ignores it? Or worse, responds negatively? If you make a few bids and they don’t notice, keep trying. If you notice a pattern or they give a negative reaction, it’s definitely worth bringing up to them in a non-judgemental way. You might say something like, “I don’t want to be critical, and I’ve been reaching out to you. What’s happening for you right now that is preventing you from responding?” (1)

Perseverance can be applied to any form of communication and shows up differently depending on who you’re speaking to. With a partner, it’s important that both people are aware and willing to work on things like bids for connection, problem-solving and check-ins.

As a rule of thumb for all communication, take the attention off of yourself and focus it on the other person or audience. If you’re looking for extra support in this area, be sure to sign up for our complimentary training on March 27, 2023 where I’m spilling all of my best kept communication secrets. Visit this page for all the details.

Conclusion

The healthy practices you apply to your romantic relationships can be used within your communication across the board. Whether it’s with a co-worker, friend, family member or partner – you can practice the art of turning toward and being vulnerable, assessing the positive and negative interactions you encounter throughout the day, collaborating on solutions by seeking to understand rather than blame, doing more frequent 10-minute check ins, and persevering despite any challenges you encounter. All of these things are key to enhancing your communication skills.

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